Dressing for the Male Gaze vs. the Female Gaze
AS WOMEN, we often find ourselves caught between the desire to express our femininity & sensuality and the fear of being seen or subjugated through the male gaze, or in general.
We want to show up confidently and fully expressed in our own skin, but the fear of the gaze or the suggestion of others, specifically males, can be overwhelming and feel unsafe.
In contrast, dressing for the female gaze is about feeling confident, comfortable, and true to our own desires. It's celebrating our strength, beauty, and power without fear of judgment or objectification. By honoring our own truth and sacredness in how we dress, we can create a world where women are celebrated for who they truly are, beyond expectations of the male gaze.
Dressing for the Male Gaze
In 1975, film critic Laura Mulvey coined the term 'the male gaze' to describe the presentation of women in visual arts and literature from a male, heterosexual perspective. In this perspective, women are objectified for their physical appearance, for the pleasure of the male viewer.
Think Harley Quinn (played by Margot Robbie) in Suicide Squad, the Bond Girls in James Bond, and Mikaela Banes (played Megan Fox) in the 2007 Transformers scene where she opens up the hood of a car.
Dressing to please the male gaze implies a subconscious desire to be the object of male attention. Women have been conditioned by the media since childhood to dress in a way that will please men, with their expectations of what a woman’s body should look like, often sacrificing their own personal style and taste. This desire for male visual approval can limit individuality, self-expression and self acceptance.
“The male gaze reflects expectations of how women's bodies are supposed to look and what is aesthetically required of women — which in turn positions women as sexualised, idealised and objects of heteronormative desire and pleasure,” Gurrieri says.
The act of being gazed upon can feel objectifying for deeply sensitive, feminine women. It is through the gaze of others that we become aware of ourselves as subjects, painfully transforming us into objects. According to Sartre, “the gaze is a consciousness of being looked at, an aggressive force that can leave us feeling vulnerable, violated, and subjugated.”
Sometimes, the fear is that this can lead to a sense of entitlement towards a woman's body and her attention. This way of thinking is harmful because it contains an undercurrent of violence, while also stripping women of their agency.
Many of the women I collaborate with for my personal styling services have a strong desire to express their sensuality yet at the same time they fear that they might attract too much or unwanted attention and give off the wrong impression. This situation generates a paradox within their style identity, preventing them from feeling completely liberated in self-expression.
However, I am not suggesting that dressing to attract the male gaze is inappropriate…
Dressing for the Male Gaze Isn’t Wrong
It is also important to acknowledge dressing for the male gaze as a valid personal choice. After all, what if we want to be noticed and admired? Is dressing to please others inherently wrong?
Many of us yearn to feel desired, and dressing up to look desirable isn’t anti-feminist or thinking poorly of ourselves. It’s normal behavior in the mating process and society in general. And if you think of this in terms of primal, biological energy, feminine women during ovulation may feel more inclined to dress more sensually and draw in male attention because their bodies are biologically programmed to seek impregnation. So, could dressing up and attracting a suitable mate be considered somewhat of a biological instinct?
Additionally, a woman deeply embodied in her feminine energy inherently emanates beauty, radiance, and sensuality regardless of what she is wearing. She feels confident in expressing herself, even with eyes and attention on her and that’s admirable and respectable, and not reductive.
And when you think about it, we often dress to be accepted into society. In business meetings or corporate environments, it is common to dress in a less casual and more reserved manner, avoiding bold patterns or fashion statements, and adhering to dress codes for formal events. Likewise, when with our parents, we tend to dress more modestly.
That being said, there is nothing inherently wrong with desiring attention, wanting to be noticed and admired or conforming to a societally acceptable way of dressing, especially if it truly empowers the individual. However, it is important to understand the reasons behind our actions and to ensure that we are dressing for ourselves and not solely for the validation, approval or manipulation of others.
Invoking the Male Gaze from a Manipulative Place
I am personally very drawn to the Dark Feminine archetypes. In my eyes, Monica Bellucci is a personal style icon and the Courtesans and Seductresses of the 17th-19th centuries fascinate and inspire me. And of course the ancient archetypal femmes Kali and Inanna have always drawn my attention and activated sensual and empowering aspects of myself.
However, there are two sides of the Dark Feminine Archetype.
There’s the fully empowered doing-it-for-herself woman who is self-generating and in integrity. She embodies the integrated Dark Feminine, Queen of the Underworld, the Black Goddess. Her story is told through various Archetypal Dark Goddesses from different cultures, such as Persephone, Lilith, Kali, Isis, and Inanna.
And then there’s the Femme Fatale, French for “fatal woman,” that is malicious and manipulative, depicted as the “man-eater,” or “vamp.” She is nymphomaniac Catherine Trammel played by Sharon Stone in Basic Instinct, Sarah Michelle Gellar as the villainous mean-girl Kathryn Merteuil in Cruel Intentions, or assassin Jane Smith played by Angelina Jolie in Mr. and Mrs. Smith. She’s the unintegrated side of the dark feminine, and sadly, that is mostly what we see in representation to this archetype in media, and what a lot of women end up acting out unconsciously.
This behavior was particularly common in my 20s. Unconsciously, I portrayed an archetypal "tease" and "mistress" persona, stemming from the unintegrated feminine shadow aspects of myself. I enjoyed capturing men's attention, luring them in, but would become upset if they made any advances. However, in reality, I was emitting signals that said "look at me," creating a push-and-pull dynamic. I often used my attractiveness, sexuality, and clothing to manipulate men into doing what I wanted. It was like a game for me, and to be honest, it worked like a charm.
It wasn't until I reached my 30s and had hurt numerous men in my life that I became aware of the unconscious nature of my actions. I realized that this behavior stemmed from anger towards the masculine, which is understandable considering years of violence and oppression under patriarchy and my own personal and ancestral experiences with men. I also realized that I was using the archetypal power of dressing sexually and embodying the femme fatale as a means to gain power and control over men, giving me a false sense of empowerment that came straight from my wounding as opposed to my truth. I came to understand that this approach is essentially fighting fire with fire, as it involves using the same manipulation and violence against each other, without truly evolving.
That's why it's important to understand the reasons behind our actions, our choice of attire, our attraction to certain archetypes, and how we choose to embody them in our lives and personal presentation.
Dressing for the Female Gaze
The female gaze is a feminist theory term referring to the gaze of the female character or director in film and television (as well as other artistic endeavors). More than just gender, the female gaze focuses on representing women as subjects having agency in their own stories—which was the biggest gripe with women shown in the male gaze.
The female gaze is a way of looking at women's bodies that is not objectifying. Instead, it is a way of looking at women that celebrates their strength, beauty, and power. It’s about their spirit, their aura, their inherent value and gifts as a feminine woman; despite their body and appearance. When dressing for the female gaze, women often choose clothes that make them feel confident and comfortable and that allow them to express their femininity and personality without worrying about being judged by others. It's about dressing in a way that feels feels good and true to them, expressing all archetypes within in a conscious way, and feeling fully expressed from the depths of who they are as a multidimensional woman.
“It's the opposite of objectifying a woman's anatomy — it considers the physical and spiritual reality of a woman's body.”
This realization of dressing for the female gaze allows women to step out of the narrow confines of fashion and exercise the idea of dressing intuitively to their own desires. Dressing for the female gaze does not imply that you should ditch all your skirts and dresses for baggy pants, rather, it suggests you not limit or discomfort yourself if that is not your true desire.
The Other Side of the Female Gaze
Currently there’s a movement that embraces the female gaze as a way to strongly reject the male gaze and avoid objectification. Where women and girls adopt attire traditionally associated with masculinity, covering themselves up to avoid drawing attention to their figures or staying gender neutral in their way of dressing.
This conversation has also become popular on TikTok with trends called "Am I written by a man or a woman?" where girls mock the stereotypical portrayal of female characters by men. Another trend is "dressing for the male gaze vs. the female gaze," where girls dress to appeal to either the male or female perspective to make a point about the objectification of women by the male gaze.
However, in my opinion, I don't believe that wearing more masculine clothing, covering ourselves up to hide our figures or neutralizing our gender necessarily represents liberation. Whether we are trying to reject our femininity or assert it in response to the male gaze, we are still dressing and acting with men and their opinions in mind.
Dressing for the female gaze implies dressing for self-desire. What a woman imagines will be aesthetically pleasing in her own eyes rather than the eyes of the heterosexual man. This can manifest in various styles and expressions. And, no judgment towards this movement - you do you, ladies - we are all actively participating in this transformative process, redefining the societal lens that was previously dominated by the male gaze.
Keeping Certain Things Sacred
So where is the line between dressing up for ourselves and dressing for others?
It's about preserving the sanctity of certain things. Remembering that there are aspects meant to be kept sacred and not shared. Learning to tune into our desires from an embodied place, allowing them to guide our fashion choices. And it is necessary to discover sacred spaces where we can express and transform the shadow aspects of ourselves that may inadvertently manifest through fashion choices that are our of alignment with who we really are.
For example, at this point in my life, I have felt no desire to call in that gaze outwardly or to use it in a manipulative way. I reserve the shadowy archetypal Dark Feminine energy that used to show up to manipulate men, for the bedroom (in a sacred container with my partner), the pole studio, burlesque class or through self-pleasure. I have fun dressing up as an archetypal femme fatale character, playing with new outfits and lingerie, and embodying that energy in a safe spaces. In these contexts, the gaze is welcome, and I actively embrace it. I get to channel this energy within a sacred container, alchemizing it, rather than allowing it to unconsciously manifest in manipulative ways or influencing my choice of attire for seeking external attention that doesn't align with my authentic self.
And this is not to say that there is shame in being a woman who is fully comfortable with expressing yourself and your body in a more overtly sexual way outwardly or as a career choice, again - you do you!
But I do believe it is important to maintain certain aspects as sacred, to keep some things for ourselves, and to be mindful of how we use our energy, share our expression, and engage with our bodies and our sacred sexual energy.
Reclaiming Ourselves: Worshipping Our Bodies
To transition from being the object of a gaze to being revered and respected, we must realize that we are not defined by how others see us, but by how we see the world, and most importantly how we see, love and honor ourselves. The external world mirrors our internal self-image, thus our interpretation of things ultimately reflects our self-perception and impacts how others perceive us.
"The first feminist gesture is to say: Ok. They’re looking at me. But I’m looking at them. The act of deciding to look, of deciding that the world is not defined by how people see me, but by how I see them.” – Agnès Varda
The feminine nature responds to sacred recognition; true, deep, reverent, authentic worship.
By worshiping ourselves and treating our bodies as sacred vessels, we demand respect from others. Body worship involves connecting with the sacred within ourselves, which helps us recognize the sacredness in others.
And from this place, our boundaries and discernment become clearer as we anchor ourselves in our own centers, our own truth, and our own life force. This fortifies our capacity to release the bonds of needing to please others and the fear of their gazes and opinions. It empowers us to choose to dress in a way that truly honors our truth and sacredness, and to show up fully and confidently to our lives, our relationships and missions.
When we reclaim our bodies, our authority, our desire, and our shadow, while honoring our truth and sacredness, not only through how we dress but also in how we live and show up in the world, we can have the power to create a world where women are celebrated for their true selves. We can embrace our strength, beauty, and power beyond the expectations of the male gaze. Instead of objectifying and violating the feminine, we can transform society to value and respect it. We can feel liberated and empowered to dress according to our own self-desire, self-awareness, and self-respect. And we can all feel confident and fully expressed as the designers of our own lives.